Lots and lots of it.
Recently I've been reflecting a lot on my relationships with everyone.
Love, Family, Friendship.
I think it's because it's the end of the year and I wanted to see how to do better next year.
Of course there are more happiness than disappointments.
But usually the negative things are heavy and still affects the general feel.
I didn't want to type this because I don't know definitively who reads my blog now.
But I guess this blog has been too quiet for much audience so I'll really elaborate.
I don't really have general headings for my disappointments but rather just certain moments
that keeps resurfacing and keeps my negative emotions raging.
I think i gotta stress that all the below does not equate to all my friends.
Only some to some.
If not i think whoever reads this and feel that everything is about them must be really angered/saddened.
Alright..
First of all, the competition.
I don't know how come such a fine friendship can become one with so much hints of competition.
I don't see how my life is or should be the same as yours.
Our definition of a good life is very different so why do you like to compete?
It upsets me that I can't speak of anything good without you acting all jealous and so.
Then there are those moments where people are late in meeting me.
Jason knows that even if its just 5 minutes, i get mad pissed at him cause if i can reach on time, why can't he?
However, poor him, i am more tolerant to my friends.
But when it just occurs too often, my patience just gets worn thin.
Because one thing i always believe is that the timing was set for a reason.
It isn't something that you take as, "oh so i reach there AROUND that timing can liao."
It should be something that you take as, "I'll reach BY then or ON the dot."
Then there was that time where I just get so tired of initiating meetups cus i shouldn't be the only one sustaining a friendship.
So the thing is, if i don't set a timing or day, there's a longer delay in us meeting.
I mean, i treasure the friendship but goddamnit its damn tiring to always have to be the one initiating it. I'm working. I'm studying. I'm tired.
I don't always remember things so by the time i realise i've been too caught up in my work and academic life, we would not have met for a long time.
But you? What's your role then?
Then there was that time when we finally met for dinner and I went to get my food.
I came back after a long while and yet, no one else got their food.
Then everyone went to get their food and I'm just someone who waits so we all can eat together.
Then they get back and asked me why i never start first and all.
I didn't know I was supposed to have dinner with myself only.
Then there's those times when i said things before very clearly.
But a few days or even a few moments later, people start asking about it again.
It just makes me wonder how many actually listens to me sincerely?
Then there were times where everyone are talking about things that somehow everyone knew but i dunno what the fuck was going on.
And when i asked what, i feel like a total outcast.
==========================
Wow i totally sound like i got no friends. HAHA.
This is just a compilation of moments/events that happen throughout the year.
And they are the negative ones.
The positive ones I'll probably talk about it when im in a better mood.
But yes. Recently, once im back from Krabi.
All I wanna do is hang out with Milky, my family and Jason and his family especially his newborn niece.
Because I think all the negative things are kinda pressing down on me now that im in the midst of reflecting and have not reached the positive reflection yet. Self reflection is a long process.
Give me time. haha.
I'm very free. Exams are over, and the new school term is not starting until a month or so later.
But I'm not initiating meetups. Im not initiating phone calls/msgs.
Im rejecting meetups. Im rejecting communication basically.
I believe its cause all these disappointments really make me wonder why do i deserve them.
I'm just very tired.
Disappointment
Thursday, December 8, 2011